"It's complicated"

It is apparent.
You and I are not in a relationship anymore.
You and I are merely Saturday dating partners.
No, I am not making a remark like this in a fait of anger.
I sit and thought hard about it and it is that apparent to me.

I do not like reiterating the things I do not like about you cos' you bring no solutions to it.
I do not like repeating the same kinda guilt/pain/whatever I get each time I hurt you cos' you didn't solve it either.
I do not like re-enacting the whole bloody effort of trying to find up what's wrong, whose fault it is cos' you NEVER do anything about it.
And I do not like re-believing and hope for the day you say you know what's wrong but not able to do anything other than expect my understanding towards it, would bring me a day I won't find myself facing the same issue again.

Let's face it. You and I are merely Saturday dating partners now.
Other than that, you can literally vanish from my world if you want to or rather like how you have been all along.
I (now) think that one to two smses a day is merely your duty call as my boyfriend.
Now I can tell you to stop doing that altogether cos' you don't really don't have to and I won't expect anything from you already.

I've been through this so many times that I gave up believing one day I would stop facing this.
I think back, I really did.
From the day we are together till now, why am I stupid enough to believe one day you might have more time that I want?
I waited from your student days to your army and now your working, and I am saying a woman’s youth is only so fucking limited, I do not wish to go on waiting.

I have been meaning to tell you this.
Do not blame and label me as a bitch when one day I leave you for another man who can give me the romance, the time and the feelings.
I would stop blaming myself for that and to hell to the world who wants to blame me then.

I am selfish about this, I know. It almost seems to read that I did not spare a thought about your world, your commitments, and your feelings.
Many chances…Each time we faced an issue, I wanted to talk about it but you choose not to face it or solve it.
I have the right to say anything I want now, do anything I deem to protect my self dignity, feelings and values.

You and I, now onwards would just be a weekend dating partner.
Do not further expect anything from me nor would I expect from you.
If you meant to earn my trust, my faith and everything, you would have done so anyhow.

I am frolicking in denial. Denial of all the negatives feelings I have got in my heart.
In numbness and pretence, I am neither happy nor sad.
At least, I am safe and perhaps still sane.